


time machine

by survivorwrite



Category: Survivor (US TV) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25439368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/survivorwrite/pseuds/survivorwrite
Summary: the edge brings back memories - edited
Relationships: Parvati Shallow/Amanda Kimmell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	time machine

The sky was painted in oranges and blues, the sun only starting dip below the horizon. 

Parvati sat on the steps of the edge of extinction, alone. There were no tokens to be found, no distractions. She could faintly hear the voices from the shoreline, but couldn’t see a soul. 

The wind blew. Parvati let out a shaky breathe. 

Truth was, she hadn’t cried as much as the other winners. Her vote out left an initial sting, but coming to the edge filled with old school players, she knew it wasn’t her wrong doing. 

(She still held herself to a higher standard) 

But here she remained, only just now struck with emotion stemming from a causal fireside talk. 

“Really, not anyone?” 

Natalie asked, eyebrows raised. 

“No we’re all good. We hang out once a year. Even Troy is a part of the family.” 

Kim said, in response to Natalie’s question. 

“What about you, Parv? Anyone you still don’t get along with from your season?” 

Tyson inquired, looking for drama. 

“I don’t talk with a lot of them as much as I should. I like you guys more, people I didn’t play with.” 

Parvati said with a laugh. 

“The black widow brigade? Still strong?” 

Kim asked. Parvati nodded. 

“Penner? Ozzy? Cirie?”

The other castaways threw out Survivor names. 

“Of course.” 

When it became clear no secret conflicts were being spilled tonight, the air cleared. Until Adam, who had yet to question anybody, spoke up. 

“Amanda?” 

It was like all at once the illusion of an Amanda-less past was destroyed.

Parvati felt the memories flooding back in with hearing that name hang in the air. She removed herself, when conversation shifted, and started out on the trek to the top of the mountain. 

She made it to the steps before tears started to fall. 

She hadn’t thought about Amanda in years. It was wound she kept closed for so long. She would watch her scenes with Amanda in them, and her brain would cut the taller girl out. Obviously she had been a huge part in her Survivor career, but it was easy to weave her memory around Amanda. It was like they never shared the same island. 

But here on edge, starving and suffering yet again, the wound reopened. The physical strain of the game was like a time machine, transporting her back to the time she spent with Amanda. 

Her entire game in Micronesia was meeting Amanda, loving and touching Amanda, kissing her when the cameras weren’t around and thinking about her every second.

(Parvati had never fallen this hard before) 

“Damn you’re hot.” 

She said, only the third day on the island, pulling down her bathing suit just a bit. Amanda blushed, and returned the compliment with her eyes. 

Parvati in any other scenario would be more forward about what she wanted, but this was different. She wanted a relationship, not just to sleep with her move on. 

(But she didn’t hate it when that happened on day 31, wrists pinned and back against the dirt)

“I’m starting to have like, genuine feelings for you.” 

Parvati whispered, laying on the tarp, day 34. It was pitch black, only the sound of bugs and what was left of the fire crackling filled the air. No response except for Amanda finding Parvati’s hand and interlocking their fingers. 

“I love you.”

Parvati never said this. Never. Still no response but a squeeze of her hand. 

She should’ve known. 

They watched the shelter burn, Amanda wrapped her arms around her friend’s. Amanda watched the fire grow. Parvati looked at the way it reflected in Amanda’s eyes. 

The second they left the beach, Amanda could only keep her eyes on Ozzy. Parvati hoped she would blow off the cheesy love confession, and they’d laugh about it over dinner. But she hardly even talked to Parvati at Ponderosa. It was like Parvati was invisible. 

No one had ever made her feel invisible before.

When it became clear it was all just a fling, Parvati was broken. It’s true, she retaliated a bit much, screaming at her months after the season ended. 

“You have no idea how stupid I felt when you said you and Ozzy were serious! You led me on. I fucking hate you. I’m glad you lost.”

The words felt like venom. 

She wanted to take it back, take it all back. But Amanda never forgot. Even after the attempt to mend the relationship, their final season together was a train wreck. 

The last day she saw Amanda in the flesh was at the finale of Hero’s vs Villains. Amanda gave her a “Good job” and a side hug at the after party. 

Parvati spent the night wishing Amanda would come back to talk to her more. 

(She never did) 

Parvati wondered what Amanda had done with her life. She knew she had kids, but nothing really beyond that. 

She wondered if Amanda knew she had a kid too.

Did Amanda know she was out here, playing this crazy game again?

Parvati looked to her right, at the empty space next to her on the rocky steps. Amanda could’ve won too. Amanda could’ve been here with her. She imagined it, Amanda, on the edge of extinction, smiling at her. Parvati would lean her head against Amanda’s shoulder and they’d watch the sun set together.

Parvati’s heart ached, missing moments she never had. Moments she could’ve had. 

Here on edge, the moments she shared before she ruined their friendship were present; right at Parvati’s fingertips. The salty air reminded her of Amanda, the cold sleepless nights too. The feeling of starvation went hand in hand with the feeling of Amanda tracing her bones, lying awake in the cave.

Parvati wiped away her tears; she was too damn old to be crying because Amanda chose a stupid boy over her.

The sun set, leaving Parvati surrounded by purple and black.


End file.
